I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
