insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im holly from the hills drunk
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
