My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
