No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Every concussion has its silver lining
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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