Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
