god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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