Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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