Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
