I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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