i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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