Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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