Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
where are you?
Hypothermia
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
