I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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