I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
