He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
