I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
