He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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