Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
