Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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