why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
