how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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