Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
