What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
