yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
