Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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