Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
