There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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