the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
