So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Vodka?
Forever.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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