probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
