They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This is classic penis vs brain.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
