i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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