Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
