my mouth tastes like poor choices
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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