How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I party with great urgency now.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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