phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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