im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
