i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
