Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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