I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
