I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
