I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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