Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
