So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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