my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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