She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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