He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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