The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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