dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
