just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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