I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
