I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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