I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
