i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
